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Getting the fear
I moved up here to be brave. Even if it meant being alone, to wake up every day in a place I loved was worth it. I spend most of my time inside looking out of windows, and the views out of all my windows in Portland have always been beautiful. Almost inspiring, but I have succeeded in failing to be inspired enough to create anything.

I moved here to be brave, but I'm scared now. As clean the air, as green the trees, they don't give me what I need. This part of my life, I can't do alone. I'm not that brave anymore.

In 2 hours I meet with the plastic surgeon. He will look at my foot and pronounce the healing complete. I can start learning to walk again. Maybe he will approve physical therapy to help. If not I already bought a walker, and I still have the cane from the car accident. Even without medical assistance part of me knows what I'm supposed to do. Pick myself up, put one foot in front of the other, and recover. Again; it's what I do. What I'm supposed to do, but i'm tired. I'm so damn tired now. I sleep for 12 hours at a time, and can barely drag myself out of bed. There is a grocery store literally across the street from my apartment and I can't make it over there most days. I managed to make it yesterday, and carry home 3 Mexican pepsi's (in the glass bottles!), some cereal, and some spaghetti-o's. As of now I have eaten my way through all of it, and my fridge is empty.

But I have no energy to go get more, and no time. Medical transport will be here in an hour to take me to the fateful meeting where they tell me I'm ok to get on with my life. I just don't know if I can get on anymore. I dream that I will move back to Southern California where maybe there are people who love me. Maybe they will help me walk. At the least they will help me keep the fridge from being emptied.

But I don't knowwhen that will be, or if. Months away is the soonest it would be possible, and months away is more than enough time for anyone to fail to reach. Especially me. Especially now. I'm no longer brave, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to make it home.


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